“To live in the neighborhood of the Good is fine. If one does not choose to dwell among those who are Good, how will one obtain wisdom?” — Confucius
Historian Liu Xiang told a story about the transformative upbringing of Mencius. Mencius is one of the most influential philosophers in Chinese history and the second in importance only to Confucius himself in Confucianism.
Having lost his father at a young age, Mencius was raised by his mother alone. Initially, they lived by a cemetery. But his mother noticed that young Mencius was imitating mourners and playing funeral games. She decided it wasn’t a suitable place for bringing up her son and moved near a market. But she observed that Mencius started to copy merchants hawking their wares. Again she moved. Finally, they settled beside a school where Mencius could see scholars and students every day. Inspired by them, Mencius began to follow their rites and manners.
As the cliché goes, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Whether we like it or not, we are subconsciously influenced by the people around us. We speak like them, act like them, think like them. We pick up their good and bad habits. We desire what they desire.
This became clear to me when I was in university. The typical stories I heard about university were everyone drinking and partying all night long (which turned out to be largely right). I didn’t drink or party and wanted to avoid them. So, when I joined the triathlon club, I was pleased to find others like me. We slept early and didn’t drink because we wanted to fit in a workout before the first lecture every morning. Once, my hall mates came back from their party at 4 am surprised to find me already awake preparing for a race. Sure, I have always been a rather disciplined person. But having like-minded friends made it much easier to maintain my routines. Even better, my triathlon teammates inspired me to aim higher and train harder. I had the greatest improvements during that period.
But my takeaway isn’t just that my environment shapes me. It is that I have the power to change my environment. If my circle of friends and I no longer see things eye to eye on major life decisions, I can leave. If I need inspiration and support as an entrepreneur or father, I can join or even start communities. If I can’t find like-minded people physically around me, I can search online or even “hang out” with notable figures like Confucius, Benjamin Franklin, and Charlie Munger in books.
Choosing whom to “live” among is probably the most important decision we can make. We have to choose wisely.
(On the flip side, we also have to ask ourselves, “Am I being a good influence on the people around me?”)
Keep this letter in your book, and it will come back to you.